I confess... being "thirsty" comes with a high price of regret.

Ok, so I’m being lazy because I don’t feel like giving this a title or a time and date. I just want to write. I love writing and when I go too many days without writing, I can really feel the withdrawals. Nevertheless, I am so thankful for today. Wednesday I am going to the Masego concert with this girl named Nicole and I am so thankful she asked me to be her "plus one”. Why me, I wonder? But whatever her reason is, it doesn’t matter. I love Masego’s music because it’s so pure. I was thinking today I really want to take my writing music seriously, I just don’t know where to start. There are so many images in my mind and I have so many stories to tell. Some are here in my journals and the others are trapped in my mind. I have lyrics for every single thing I have ever been through; good, bad, happy, or sad, I remember me in those moments. Even now as I sit here writing in my one bedroom apartment, alone listening to jazz instrumentals, I can’t help but to every now and then think of all the poor decisions I’ve made with guys. Looking back on most of my relationships, I could just vomit. But truly, it is the peace of God that comforts me. My co-worker said to me today, “If it was your first time you’re not a fool.” I needed to hear that.

For weeks I’ve been feeling like a complete idiot for “dating” and having sex with this guy named “Microwave”. It was toxic and possessive from the jump and I ignored all the signs thinking he’d change or that I could motivate him back to wellness. And the reality of it all is that I couldn’t. The blessing in this heartbreak is that now I know what I know. I know “Love is what love does”. (Read that again until you get it.) I know now that you should trust a person’s actions and behavior before you trust their words. People, even me, are so good at masking our true selves without realizing this is a silent killer. It’s so hard for me to not pray for Microwave because the reality is he’s hurting. All the men I’ve dated these last few years are hurting and they hurt me. (You know how the saying goes don’t you?) But God has been so merciful and mighty in my life it’s easy for me to give all of that hurt to him. My greatest fear is not falling in love. I fear that my fairytale “happily ever after” is something I’ve made up in my own world of romantic desires. I just have a hope far greater than my fear and my hope tells me I’ll be able to learn from my past to appreciate all that I’ll have when the time is right for me to have it. Life isn’t going to kill me, it’s only perfecting me. It’s preparing me to be the royal diamond that I AM.

These days have been long and honestly most of them have been extremely lonely and full of tears, but I would not trade this walk with anyone; I just wouldn’t. I am dedicated to seeing just how amazing my story ends and I want to be the one to say, “All glory and honor to Jesus Christ who he alone saw me in every valley, covered me in every trial, lit up every dark space, and allowed his presence to meet me in my quiet time.” He alone knows my lies and my truth. He alone knew every motive behind every ask and he alone knows exactly where the pain is. God you are worthy of my singleness and my space; a space where only you dwell. I am tired of running from intimacy with you. I have compromised your word enough and I surrender to your wisdom and will for my life. Help me through my conviction and my desire to have things that are not for me. Be my mentor and my parent, my friend and my healer. Hearing you say “well done” is really all I want. Show me your face so I can boldly walk in your footsteps. You are my lord and savior and I am sure what you have for me is far greater than anything I have seen, imagined, or dreamed of. Forgive me for my wrong doings and be near for every short-coming I am not strong for.

You are a good helper and in you I have new joy every single day. What has happened to me is only a glimpse of how mighty of a hand you have for your chosen ones. I AM love, because I AM loved. I know I AM a direct reflection of you, here’s to more steps forward! 

Love Malani

Re-read and posted in December 2025.