I confess...one day it's "love" and the next idk.

01/07/22 

Friday @ 6:09pm at Zane’s House 

Dear babygirl, today has been an interesting day. What I want to share with you is a short story about my love for Carter. You’ve heard and read so many stories about him. Hopefully this is my last entry about him. So as you know I believe Carter is truly my soul mate. I didn’t love him at first though…but let him tell it, he's loved me from the beginning of us meeting each other. For years I ran from Carter. Every time he tried to get close, I pushed him away more and more. I grew to love him, I grew in love with him, but I didn’t know how to give him the love he was giving me so I felt worthless. I felt incapable of giving him what he gave me; so many times I’ve “ghosted” him. After going ghost I would reach out months later, maybe years at a time even just to “check on him”. The reality is every now and then I would have withdrawals and just need to hear his voice. Like when things would happen in my life; good, bad, happy, sad, or indifferent, I’d want him there/ I want him here now. So I’m doing something that’s tough, I am planning to visit him and give us a real try. I can live with the reality that it just wasn’t meant to be between us, but I cannot live with the reality that I never gave us a real shot. I love Carter with all my whole heart and I’m just better now that I’ve healed. Prayerfully I’m not too late and hopefully he wants to hear me out. I’m not afraid, so I won’t write that I am. What I want most is for him to see that I’ve changed. I want a chance for him to see me whole and changed. I may be selfish because all of this is being done on “my time” and I don’t see it that way. The way I see it is, I gave him the best I had to offer and during my time of being distant from him, it gave me more time to become better for him, for us, for me. I’m writing to you because I always want you to trust your heart. You will know who “your person” is. A good friend always said to me, love is worth fighting for every step of the way. It’s not always easy, but if it’s with the person you love most it's worth every second. Today, I’m letting you know I’m fighting for Carter and I hope to write to you about our journey back to a life worth living together. 

Love Mom

Re-reading this is 2025 is gut-wrenching. The story of Carter and I is still being written.