I confess...I'm spiraling because I'm jaded.

09/16/19 Monday 

11:50pm 

Dear Journal, I honestly don’t even know where to begin. Today I did a lot of thinking and I am ready to forgive. Ever since the conversation with my dad, I have found the strength to begin my healing process to forgive those that hurt me; but most of all forgiveness for myself. I’ve made mistakes I am ready to face and speak about. Starting with my exes…I spoke with two of them today. (The two I think had the biggest impact on me up to now.) Maybe talking to them sounds crazy, but there’s baggage I want to get rid of that’s NOT mine. I have baggage that is keeping me from becoming my best “highest self” because of what I’m holding on to. It’s amazing how life will reveal to you that you’re NOT over somebody. When I finally have that “over you” feeling I’ll be sure to write about it. Some may read this and say - is talking to my exes really necessary and honestly for me, it is. 

The both of them shared moments with me that affects who I am today in every relationship I get in. I’m not blaming anything on them, however I do know that my decisions in relationships have a direct correlation to what I experienced with each of them. I don’t want to live with regrets and I want the opportunity to see each of these relationships as a life lesson. I want to boldly say to other people who may experience this, “that happened to me and I’m ok with that.” I want the satisfaction of truth that I do love hard and there is nothing wrong with that. I also want to have peace in my heart whenever I think of these two guys because I dealt with so much just trying to be the girl they wanted me to be. What amazes me is that - when we’re young, our parents give us all these reasons why we shouldn’t “date” at a young age, but no mom or dad can fully prepare their kids for what heartbreak feels like. Not only do I feel shameful at times, but I am also very hurt. Hurt because I didn’t trust my moms knowledge on heartbreak, forgiveness, and what it really means to be a woman. 

Exactly one month from my 25th birthday and I feel like I am just now starting to understand how much my life means to me. Writing has helped me release my thoughts and has helped me internalize the root of my issues. I believe my children will read these notes and hopefully these same thoughts will help them become their best selves. I want to be honest about what I feel and how I feel. What I pray is that God continues to keep me. That when I feel like I can’t, I will because I am living proof that God is real. Even if these talks are the closing of doors; I hope there will always be a space in my heart that will cherish the moments I spent with these guys for a lifetime. I want my kids to know that my feelings are real and that there will come a time in their life that some things will just be hard to say to someone…but you have to find the strength to say it. Forgive easy and know that men and women should always be open to a conversation. Maybe I’m talking in circles; that’s how jumbled my thoughts are right now. I’ve cried so much this year. I just want closure. I want to forgive and be forgiven. For years I’ve been searching for myself in everything - but in things that were not me. I’ve literally spent years putting all of my efforts into my career and material things that I thought would make me happy. Truth is…the only place you find that kind of self and closure is by taking a long deep look in the mirror. What do you see in the mirror? I could write you a million letters on what I see in you, the reader but the only opinion that matters when you look in the mirror is your own. Hurt people, hurt people. Many times my own insecurities get the best of my life. My hair, pimples on my face, my period, hair growing in crazy places; all of it had me second guessing who I really was.

2019 has been great for me because I found the true essence of God this year. God gives me hope. She keeps me going in times where I am afraid. I’m afraid that maybe closure won’t be enough; that maybe I’m not strong enough for forgiveness. I really loved “person A” and I really loved “person B”. I just didn’t know how to communicate that. If you’re reading this, please love with your whole heart. Be proud of what you see when you look in the mirror. Don’t look for happiness in things or other people; find it within. Meditate on your thoughts and listen to things that move your spirit. I will walk into 2020 born again and ready to face new challenges and new heights. In the name of Jesus, I declare favor over my life. I will be productive, more productive with my time and I will give and spread love because that’s who I am choosing to be.

I will bear good fruit and I will plant seeds that will harvest to be what God has called them to be. Always trust your gut…your intuition will never lie to you. Thank you in advance for loving me just how I am! 

Love Malani