I confess...there's a pain that's felt forever.

Aug 1, 2019 Thursday 

5:04pm 

“What A Day” 

Dear son, the craziest thing happened to me yesterday. But before I get into that, let me tell you about this spiritual journey I am on. It feels so good. God has been so good to me; to us. Me, your grandmother, your aunts, and uncles, and even to your dad…whoever that is, I know he’s ok too. Anyway I’ve been praying and reading the Bible almost everyday and it's been great. I have you know I officially know the first 8 books in the Bible by heart and that really makes me happy. Lol 8 is my favorite number. So there you have it, your Mom is 24 years old learning to really trust God and live my best life. Now lets get to why I’m writing to you today. Yesterday while I was at work; this guy became really aggressive with me. I corrected him about something he did wrong and he got frustrated quickly. He went from “0 to 100 nigga real quick.” For a second I thought he was joking, but I soon realized he was very upset; maybe even angry. My last words to him were that I’d pray for him and I did. I couldn’t believe that even though I was so calm, he reacted the way he did. At that moment I felt "fine", secure even; but as soon as I got in my car I felt really really sad. (Pause - never let anyone tell you how to feel, not even me. Because your feelings are real and they matter.) So there I am in my car crying and it’s raining, and I’m thinking - self reflecting on what just happened. I wasn't afraid of this guy, but I couldn't believe that he had so little respect for me that he’d be so aggressive toward me. His body language, tone, and everything said loudly that he was pissed. I am honest in what I tell you, I was so calm. Even another guy working with us tried to calm him down, but when he intervened that did not work. It was almost like our spirits were at war - I completely understand the meaning of that now. I do know that he’s going through a lot at home because he is always talking about his hardships at work. I felt unprotected - like I had no defense. In that moment I was a woman and he was a man - there was no winning this battle if it were taken there. I just needed to be rescued, and I had no idea what that looked like in that moment. I needed someone to intervene and say that’s not how you communicate your frustration to anybody, man or woman. For the record, I’m not the kind of person who gets excited about altercations, and I would never hit below the belt when “arguing” with a man. It’s not in my character and honestly, harsh words do something to men, idk what exactly - but something happens when a Man's pride is tested. For 5 whole minutes I couldn’t help him escape the pain and triggers he was feeling. Hurt is transferable and you better know that to be true. Always remember hurt people, hurt people. That moment sucked for me. I felt small because my own ego was dead and I felt like my voice was silenced. I had to swallow my pride so I wouldn’t say anything hateful. So even though that moment sucked, I was great in it. I was great because I was strong and mindful enough to communicate only through the Spirit. I was great because I understood what was really happening beyond what I was experiencing. Before you get tired of reading this I just want to let you know you’re loved. You are my complete joy. Never allow what you're feeling to command all of your energy. Think about what you're about to say before you say it. Always treat young girls and women with honor. Treat them gently and be mindful of your body language and tone. I am telling you this because there will be moments where your own “flare -ups” are real and to be honest not all girls will be kind to you. But YOU can always exercise your opportunity to be self-controlled. Never allow your ego or pride to speak before your heart has had a chance to assess the situation. You are a young man who will grow into a wonderful man. Crying, hugging, laughing, worshiping God, being kind, smiling, playing, helping others…all of that still makes you a man. No one can take your space or place in my heart. Remember, all I want for you is the absolute best and I want you to treat people right. You are the best part of me and I’d go through every moment in life…even the ones that suck just to write this letter all over again to you. Make sure you share with your brothers and always be the one they can count on to look to. I Love you! 

Love Mom! :)